Cousin Big D.

Dear Readers, let me tell you a little story.....

Once upon a time, I was living at peace in my little house. Everything was fine. A job that I like, good co-workers, a few good friends, a loving family.

I also had a a few activities that I really enjoyed, noticeably this website.

Then, one day, the door bell rang. I opened it and there was Cousin Big D.

Ah.... Big D, he's the cousin twice removed from your great uncle's side that you never knew existed. Boisterous, jolly, larger than life that invades your home like a whirlwind.

He says he's in town for a few days and that he just needs a place to crash, that he'll be gone before you know it and boy, aren't we gonna have fun during those few days!

In the beginning, you're happy to discover that you have a new family member even if you feel a little overwhelmed. You're more of the quiet type, but hey, for a few days, you can put up with a little mayhem, after all, he's family.

You deal with the crumbs all over the place, the coke spilled on the carpet and the fact that he hogs the TV remote while sprawled on your couch.

He's only here for a few days after all.....

Right?.....

....

....

Then it's already been a month. Cousin Big D is still here. Gone is the boisterous, jolly guy from the beginning, now things have taken a much darker turn.

He's slovenly, rude and stinks up the air in your home. Needy, greedy, and always complaining while chain smoking on your now destroyed couch with a large cheap beer in his hand and half finished pizzas on the sticky coffee table. Your carpet is a mess of stains, your fridge is full of packs of beer and fast food wrappers and let's just not talk about the state of the guest bedroom he stays in, nor the bathroom for that matter.

And if ever you start voicing your grievances or making a comment, or, even worse, ask when he intends to leave, Big D pounces on you with his small beady eyes aflame and emotionally blackmails you while trying to hide his satisfied grin.

You feel guilty, miserable and a little scared of this creature in front of you. So you retreat in the kitchen to make your meal and eat on the corner of the counter, tears in your eyes, hoping that Cousin Big D won't come out of the living room to ask you where's his diner and why didn't you wash his favorite T-shirt yet, when he told you to do it yesterday, ungrateful cousin that you are....

You're Tired.

You feel Numb.

You feel Lost.

You feel Guilty.

Anger is simmering and you want to take Big D by the collar and throw him out, but you're so mentally and physically exhausted that you just sit there, wondering how all this happened.

Days flow into weeks, that flow into months.... Big D is still there. And you've gotten used to it.... or numb to it. It's difficult to tell the difference now.

One day, as you are taking out the trash, you look back on your little house and realize it isn't yours anymore. The grass is grown, the paint is flaking and the flower pots only hold long dead plants. The sadness it exudes is so potent, that you just sit on the sidewalk and cry.

Meanwhile, lurking behind the nicotine stained curtains, Big D is staring at you, full of contempt and with a twisted glee he can't quite hide.

You take out the car keys in your pocket and look wistfully at it. Maybe you should just get in and leave. Drive until the tank is empty, straight ahead without looking back, and leave Big D and your home behind....

Just go....

But then, Anger that had been simmering in the back of your mind all this time, kicks you so hard that your head starts spinning.

This is YOUR home.

Behind the flaked paint you can see the solid oak still untouched by wood worms. You take out a dried plant from the pot and its roots are still alive. Grass still exists under the overgrown weeds, its a bit yellowed, but nothing a good sprinkler can't fix.

Those nicotine stained curtains can be washed and look as good a new and it they have cigarette holes, you can either repair them of just get new ones. But to do that, you know down to your bones that Big D has to go.

But you also know that Big D will never leave of his own volition. He's comfortable in your home.

So you go see a doctor.

He gives you meds to help get rid of Big D.

Except that they don't agree with you.... At all. In some ways it makes things even worse.

You go see the doctor again, explaining that now Big D looks like an amorphous blob that is eating your house away.

So you talk at length of a new plan with the doctor. Go cold turkey and fight. Let's kill the bastard. But you don't know how. You need training, and weapons and protection.

The training conditions are brutal.

The doctor tells you to talk to your family and friends about it. You'll need their help.

The family confirms that Cousin Big D is NOT part of the family.

Your friends agree to come over and help you do a deep clean of the garden.

Meanwhile you train in secret, sharpening your weapons, gaining skills.

You learn to get rid of your guilt. You learn to get rid of the accumulated baggage you had no idea even existed in your closet, your garage and in your attic.

Big D's beady eyes have a sliver of fear in them that wasn't there before. He's anxious. He's up to 3 packs of cigs a day and as many beers. He tries to scare you, to guilt trip you, to do all the things that used to work. But they don't as much anymore.

The house is becoming yours again, and each time you deep clean a room, you see that Big D can't enter it anymore. His grime doesn't stick on the fresh coat of paint. His stench is nullified by the open windows with fresh curtains and the carpet is stain proof.

Piece by piece you remodel the furniture, scrubbing, sanding, and lovingly restoring them to their former glory. Their are some stains that just won't go away; but they are faint and you can deal with them. On the contrary, they are proof that you are winning this war of attrition that Big D started all those months back.

And then, the day comes, you're ready. You're wearing your new armor, your weapon is as sharp as it can be and your body is trained and fit.

The living room door oozes cigarette tar and the knob is full of greasy paw prints.

And it's locked.

Big D is bellowing inside, cursing you, menacing you, threatening you with a weird high pitch voice, almost comical like he's ingested helium from a balloon.

You slam the door with your shoulder. It resists. You do it again and again until your shoulder hurts, but you keep going, you can feel the hinges giving away little by little under the pressure. Behind you, family and friends are cheering, the doctor is monitoring your vitals.

You feel a million bucks.

Craaaaaaaaack!

The door finally gives.

You stumble into the living room. You almost gag under the stench but you don't really have time to register it, because you're on a Mission. Throwing Big D OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!

But Big D is nowhere to be seen.

Oh, no you don't!

This is my home, and I will get you out of here!

You search the room methodically. In the dark corners, behind the curtains orange with nicotine stains, under the couch. Where is he?

You get a great idea. Close to the broken Playstation, you see it, the remote he first hogged when he arrived, you take it and then he comes out screaming a screeching. Except he isn't Big D anymore. More the size of a leprechaun and he's throwing a tantrum over the remote.

You catch Tiny D and throw him in the trashcan outside your home.

And then the fight begins again. He wants back in.

He uses all the dirty tricks he used before, but you know them all. Guilt tripping, threats, pleading with big puppy eyes... nope. Not gonna work.

Meanwhile you continue cleaning this last room that has seen the most damage in your home. Windows wide open, curtains in the wash, vacuuming the mountain of crumbs in every nook and cranny, getting rid of the hoarder's home pile of empty pizza boxes and beer cans.

Still Tiny D tries to come back; through a mouse hole that you plug, a ceiling tile that you replace and even boldly through the front door! You know he won't give up easily.

But you hold fast, this is your home, you are going to reclaim your sanctuary and make it into a nice cozy place once more.

Finally after months of battling, your home is yours again. As you are sitting on your new couch, holding the remote that isn't full of grease anymore, you take a deep breath.... And you can finally smile. You are very proud of yourself. And you can be.

You are a little worse for wear, some stains on your carpet won't fade away no matter how hard you try, and in the garden, hiding in the trash heap, you can sometimes hear furious rustling and squeaks.

You know, deep down, that Tiny D is still lurking, still hoping to get back into your house to hog the remote once again. But you won't let that happen. You'll fight it with every fiber of your being.

So, you put your feet up on the clean coffee table, open a good book and sip your cup a tea, your 2 cats purring beside you while a little breeze plays with your pristine white curtains.

Right now, you can enjoy the peace.

Thamalasca.

Writer's note -

Writing in metaphors made this post much easier for me to share with you all.

I hope you don't mind.

This is the long and short of what I have been going through this past year, which is why I've been radio silent since last April and this site came to a standstill.

Now that Tiny D is grumbling away in his trash heap, I can finally concentrate on getting back on track with other things, noticeably ISTDF and this website which I had to leave aside to concentrate on my mental health.

I didn't even have the strength to write a post explaining while I was living it. And I guilt tripped about it until I got enough help not to anymore.

Big D hit me like a ton of bricks, totally unexpected and unannounced.

If ever you encounter your own version of Big D, whatever name you give it, seek help.

You are not alone.

Love,

Thamalasca.